Sunday the 30th of November 2008

when down the yard as usual at 4 o'clock to get Cicero in mum went up the field whilst I put a rug on amber (pony I look after at weekends) girl at the yard comes up to me "your mum needs you Cicero is hurt in the field" I walk up the field to see them standing at the very back of the field, mum is panicking because Cicero wont put his leg on the floor so I stayed with him whilst she went and got help. I called the yard manager and step dad and they came down, everyone came up the field. I think he had been there a while he was getting tired and was very un balanced, mum called the vet and the soonest they could come was 40 minutes, 12 of us it took to hold him up that long, he was in so much pain, it broke my heart hearing his groaning in pain but I was determined to stay strong for him, I stood there talking to him telling him he would be ok and the vet was on their way to come and fix him, we gave him some mix to keep his sugars up and he began to perk up again, he had that twinkle in his eye again, I was relieved as he was back to himself he looked like himself again, the vet came eventually they had to go to the house at the back of are fields to get to him as he was to far up the field, everyone stayed by him there was about 15 of us, she gave him 3 painkiller injections so she could get a better look at it, she was a bit concerned that he may have fractured his leg he couldn’t put any weight on it even after the injections, she bandaged it up and got to pieces of wood either side to help him walk to a stable so she could x ray, we all tried to get him to move and he wouldn’t everyone encouraging him but he just couldn’t move and then someone said do it for jazz, then everyone said it and he managed to do a few steps, I was so happy he could walk again! he was so far up the field we couldn’t get him back to the yard it was too far away, so the woman that lives at the back of the field kindly said we could take down the fence to get him into her stables that were at her house, so that took 10 minutes and we managed to get him to walk back in, we got him in a stable and gave him a massive feed and the split was taken off so that the x rays could be done I refused to leave him so stood with him while they were done I think he knew that she was trying to help him, she went off and it was 40 minutes before we got the results. the longest 40 minutes of my life I didn’t know what to think I just stood there emotionless I didn’t know what to think but I just stood there and waited for the vets phone call, I heard my mum’s phone ring and I heard her go silent then burst into tears, I knew it wasn’t good I demanded the phone, she gave it to me and the words she said vie never felt so helpless in my whole life. "I’m afraid it’s not good news." it’s then I knew what was coming next "Cicero has broken his long pastern in 9 different places, the bone is completely shattered, the kindest thing we can do is..." I couldn’t listen any longer I knew what she was going to say, I just fell to the floor and ran out the stable screaming and crying I didn’t know what to do, he didn’t deserve this at all, I just stood there crying for so long I kept saying to myself I want to wake up now I want to wake up but it wasn’t happening. I went back in the stable to spend the last half an hour with my horse it was the most heart wrenching half an hour of my life, he was in so much pain his breathing was so heavy he was trying so hard to stay up but he was falling over but he stayed there for me he was so brave, she came back and I just didn’t know what to do I knew this was the end but I just kept thinking I wish I didn’t turn him out today if only I didn’t this wouldn’t be happening she gave him a huge dose of butte so we could get him in the field as the owner of the house didn’t want it done in the stable, leading him into the field was so horrible to know that were he was going to breathe his last breath to see his last sights, I let everyone that wanted to say goodbye to him as he was much loved by everyone that knew him. It was a huge struggle for him to walk into the field but he did it. For me. she stuck the catheter in his neck and suddenly the dream became reality she gave him the injection and he started to go all wobbly, his legs buckled and I just broke into tears all I could say was "I’m so sorry c, I’m so sorry" I didn’t know what to do I couldn’t believe I let someone kill my horse. Right before my eyes I sat there on the floor I felt so helpless I knew he was going I just talked to him and told him everything he gasped and I knew he was gone. I just sat there I put my hand in my pocket and realised I hadn’t given him the last mint I had I sat there for an hour, I didn’t want to leave him ever. I just sat thinking for ages, I didn’t know what to do, I then had to go and it was the hardest goodbye ever. Cicero had been my rock threw everything he had helped me so much with all my problems I just wished there was someway I could have helped him the one time he asked for my help. I’m proud of how brave my little boy was that night how he walked all those steps I’m sure he did it for me my brave little man. Cicero is the most talented most loving horse I ever knew, he taught me how to ride, we went through everything together, he gave so much and had so much more to give I just wish this hadn’t happened to him, I gave 110% all the time and so did he, so why is it us that gets punished. we had are first away show planned, 1st 1metre10 class planned I love you so much Cicero my bestest friend always I will never forget you ever, you’ve left hoof prints on so many people’s hearts, thank you for being you I’m just sorry there was nothing I could do